I'm having a very bug girl summer, I think. First The Demon Star with its worm exorcists, and now this book. Anyway. Andrew Joseph White, what on earth did you dream up here?

I was shocked and blown away by this book. I know AJW from his YA book, so this was a sharp and cutting left turn into adult horror and I think this is exactly the place he is meant to be. What a mess of a book in the best way. White gave us such a visceral, nuanced, and confrontational experience in the head of a mute, autistic, trans man named Crane.

Crane is self destructive in a way I understood in my early 20s and it hurt my heart to read about a character in that same place. Crane indulges in risky, dangerous behavior including sex that blurs the line between consensual and not, emotional and not. All of it is meant to contend with mental health issues run amok, a struggle in his own skin, and him not giving himself permission to live and be someone worthy of healing. He doesn't deem himself worthy of care and thus takes off down a path of demolition that I never could have expected.

Crane turns up pregnant one day. The Hive, the mass of bugs and viscera that brought a bunch of people in their worst days together in a violent patchwork found family they never chose, won't allow him to abort it. It threatens his friends, it sends a guard to keep watch on him, and it tasks his not-quite-boyfriend Levi with keeping him in line until the birth. It is just... horrific.

Claustrophobic, frantic, and disgusting. Crane loses control over his body even more after already not feeling as if he has control over his body. He considers the dark side of parenthood and maternity and all of the things he's supposed to feel never coming to the surface. He tries to set other women free from this curse and protect them at the expense of himself, not sure why he even does it. He experiences resentment and hatred at the women in his life who support it, even tacitly, and lashes out.

This book was about the complexity of the trans experience and the experience of a woman transitioning into a man. It was also about the betrayal of sisterhood and how our fellow women are sometimes the architects of our suffering. Women who discredit each other's identities, try and push their agendas on other women, refuse to acknowledge trans men, obsess over each other's bodies... we hurt each other and ourselves when we deny our sisters the ability to choose their own path for their body and their lives.

White also shows the complex duality of living in a transmasc body. The struggle between appearing feminine and feeling masculine, the comfort of hearing your pronouns used correctly, and the personal struggle in the mirror to reconcile your body with your mind. I don't have gender dysphoria, I don't fully understand that struggle and I count myself very fortunate I feel like I am in the right body. White showed me this vulnerable, brutal window into what it's like to endure through those conflicting identities all converging on each other. How hard it is to look at yourself and not know you. I had no idea what that felt like, but damn did White really help me understand.

There's a certain level of control women and trans folks do not have over their bodies. YWMTBH dives into how suffocating and frustrating that is in a real, intense way. The other thing he does, though, is he captures how no matter the restrictions - alien or government - nothing changes. Nothing. Not one thing. Crane is still trans. Crane is still autistic. Crane still doesn't want to be pregnant. Crane is still Crane, no matter how the Hive or Levi or the government try to stamp that out of him.

Crane also dealt with the fear all young folks deal with and I think I would've like to see that explored a little more - the fear of telling his family because he had seen so many awful, awful endings to people who told their truth. Society and exposure to so much made him fear telling his parents anything and instead he fled and started over with the Hive. He never gave his parents a chance because we have highlighted how much hatred there is that trans people experience every day.

When laws aren't working, when restrictions aren't working, we try force instead. We force trans people to be something they aren't, we force them to stay in the closet, we force them to suffer and when they die for it we consider that a job well done that they died in a body they do not want and did not fit them. Seeing this in action made Crane too afraid to go to two people who clearly loved him so much they recognized him at a gas station as a fully different version of himself.

We have tried so hard to batter trans people down with hate, but we have never tried love. Of course Crane descended to the point he did. We did that to him.

Another theme in this book I want to talk about is how White handled the complexity of an abusive relationship. I was in one, once. Seeing someone take that situation and portray it how White did was actually liberating and refreshing. He got it right. All of the statistics and plans and maps for how to deal with a friend in one? Correct. I got out because my friends never stopped being there for me and never let me be isolated until I was ready.

He also was so good about showing how abuse isn't what you think. It's not always black eyes and bruises. It's a lack of control over your psyche, it's self doubt to the point of making decisions you'd never make in your right mind. It's about manipulation and when that doesn't work it turns into force. White showed Crane experiencing abuse in a very different way than we think of it and I thank him for that. It's not always what we think, but it's still abuse even if it doesn't leave a physical mark every time.

We also got to be in the head of one of the rarest character types - a nonverbal autistic person. I don't think I've read another book that has a main character that's nonverbal and autistic. What a unique experience. The struggle of communication, not knowing how to get past his autistic meltdowns, what they look like, how they feel. This was such a book about feelings it's hard to explain. It should twist your gut and make you nauseous because some of the things we do and the ways we treat people are, actually, nauseating.

Stagger, his guard, becomes a staple of the story and the effect of what it feels like to have someone with your best interests at heart after being surrounded by people who don't. It's hard for Crane at first to accept Stagger actually cares about him, but by the end he is so connected to Stagger that being without him is painful. Stagger is the bridge of well-meaning that tries so hard to do its best while still not doing enough to allow Crane to have control over his body. Wanting more and caring about him, but not interfering to protect him until the damage is done. It's all of us who have never marched, spoken out, intervened, etc. until it's already over. It isn't enough to be well meaning, even if it does help in the long term. We have to be brave and willing to put ourselves in the way to protect each other's rights to our bodies and our lives. We can't exempt ourselves because we aren't part of their group - whatever happens to one community affects us all eventually. That's what the scene with the bathtub was showing you: eventually, we are all affected by the same attacks on our neighbors.

There is no escape, there is no exemption. That's why we have to stand for each other.

I liked this book so much more than I expected for a book about bugs and viscera. It was haunting and gross and stark and very raw. If you're looking for a horror book that will challenge you in ways horror tends to shy away from in a serious way, this is a great place to plunge your hands into the worms and get grimy.